Sunday, May 04, 2008

Happy Early Mother's Day

Next Sunday is Mother's Day. It is a very special day to honor the women who have spent their lives (or who are just beginning to) care for their children. I always loved when I was in a small church growing up and they would have the contests.......Mother of the most children, youngest mother, oldest mother. (Although in a small town - the same women would pretty much win every year. ha!) A day when a lot of moms are woken up with breakfast in bed and cards and wear corsages to church and the pastor speaks directly to moms and their families take them out for a nice lunch and most churches have baby dedication. It's a wonderful day!
But for so many woman - Mother's day is an extremely painful day. A day where you can either skip church and stay home and try to do something just for you or you can go to church and grimace out a smile and squeeze your husband's hand tight so that the tears don't flow. It's a day that you always hope "NEXT mother's day - I"ll be a mother" but if your aren't you dread it with everything in you. It's a reminder of the one thing you want more than life and the one thing you can't make happen.
I had already thought for months that if I wasn't pregnant by Mother's day - then I would stay home and just have a day to myself. We had booked our trip before I realized that I will be on a beach on Mother's day. I'm so thankful for that.
I'm so happy for all of you out there and for all of my friends who are mothers. Your children are a precious gift that I know none of you take lightly. I love to read about all the fun things you do with your children and all the cute pictures you take of them. You all inspire me so much!!!! I hope that each of you who have children will take a minute on mother's day and pray for all the women like me who long for children so badly. Please pray that God will open their wombs and bless them.
I've had two different people send me this poem below and it touched me very deeply. I want to post this for all of you out there who are dreading next Sunday. ( I DO NOT want to offend any of you who had children easily - you are blessed. I know you love your children with everything in you. And I'm grateful for that). But I do know how it feels to wake up in the middle of the night and my first thought is to plead with God to give me a child. And when I wake up in the morning and when I drive to work and before I go to bed - I am constantly bowing my head and asking God to please let us be parents. I also know that hopefully one day He will answer our prayers. And when I'm rocking a baby in th middle of the night - I'll thank God for that child. And when the baby screams it's head off in Wal-Mart - I'll thank God for that child. And when they throw up all over themselves and their bed, and when they draw on my couch or the walls, and when they slam the door as an angry teenager.........I will thank God for blessing me with a child.

Happy Mother's Day early to each of you. I'm praying for all of you mothers out there - you have the HARDEST job (whether you stay at home or work - you never get vacation or raises or promotions but I hope your reward will be great). For all of you who long to be mothers - I pray for a lot of you by name every day and I also ask God to give children to even the girls I don't know your names.

Love, Kelly

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.


Shabby Mama said...

I am priviliged to be the first to leave a comment on this..first off, i want to say i am so glad you will be on the beach on mother's day..i remember many painful mother's day sundays (six years in fact) hard. I appreciate you tactfulness in saying all mothers are blessed and yes most know it but many do take it for granted. After going through infertility and then having a colicky baby i will say it was both wonderful and it is for so many mothers..those of us who go through infertility have so many expectations and dreams..postpartum can be hard but yet wonderful at the same time..i loved what you said about screaming in WM..infertility does not make you a perfect mom once it happens but WOW i really really do believe it helps you be a mom who savors every moment..even the bad (like relux and vomit and colic) just to be able to hold your baby and look at it day after day is a special everyday blessing and you just soak it up..and i know you will and like you already are, you will then thank God for the trial that made you closer to Him, your husband, and even more in love with your child..I pray it is soon soon soon for yall...enjoy the beach!

Stephanie's Mommy Brain said...

I have often thought Mother's Day is an especially difficult day for the women of our congregations that want to be a mom but aren't (yet). I pray God blesses you with your heart's desire this year. And if he chooses not to - that he pours out his comfort and peace instead.

Jenna said...

Kelly, this is a beautiful post.

Thank you so much for sharing your heart so openly. Like I have said, I can't imagine what a blessing you are for people who are walking the same path as you and Scott. But, also, as this post shows, your writing and sharing also serves as such an amazing reminder to mamas all over the place to cherish their children with all they have in them. Though I am lightyears away it seems from that place, I too am inspired by your journey and appreciate more fully the blessings that I have been given. I think the lesson really does translates to all areas of our lives.

I am so glad that God will have placed you on a beautiful beach this coming Sunday. I will be thinking about you and praying for you as I always do--knowing you WILL be such a wonderful mama.

Love ya, girl!

karamy3sons said...


I believe that the Lord is using you thru your blog to help be an encouragement to other women who are going thru the same trial as you. One day the Lord will use this as a testimony for His Glory. You are going to be such a wonderful Mom one day. I pray that you and your husband will have a beautiful time at the beach. Know that you are loved by many and that we are praying for you!
Kara-Texas Jer. 29:11-13

Kelly said...


I love the gentle spirit you have which allows you to share your struggle so tenderly, and with compassion for those who are praying for the gift of motherhood, while celebrating with those who are already mothers.
I pray for you each day, and I have to say that through your eyes I am blessed anew at the gift of motherhood. After reading this post I sat outside, watching my girls play together on the front lawn, and just thanked God for the blessing of mothering them.
You remind me that no moment is to be taken for granted, and I am so thankful at the way God is using your story to bless so many... and not just those struggling with fertility.

I am so glad you will be able to be enjoying the sunshine and precious time with your husband on this mother's day, and hope your heart will be full and not mourning.
God has great things for you, and I'm grateful to be able to see His plan unfold.

Candy said...

You are such a sweetheart!! Thanks for sharing this. I must say that through your blog and your longing for a baby, I do appreciate my children and my time spent with them more. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I have been reminded from you not to take them for granted. Some days when I am about to pull my hair out because of you, I think of all the women out there who would love to be pulling their hair out and experiencing the terrible twos.
I pray for you each day and will continue to do so until you and Scott are blessed with a baby. I am so happy that you will be in Hawaii on Mother's Day. I know ya'll are going to have a wonderful and relaxing trip.
Thank you for being such an inspiration to me!!

Faith said...

Well said, Kelly. I love the poem and especially the line that says "my dream will be crying for me" - I can't wait for that day!
We are going to getaway this weekend too...not quite Hawaii...just a quick overnight trip =) I just don't think I can keep myself together as all the moms stand around me and I sit alone on the pew. I keep praying that this will be the last one to face childless, but only the Lord knows that.
I pray for you daily and I am thankful for the encouragement you are to me, and so many others!
Love you! Faith

Hillary and Russell Jordan said...

How ironic that you posted this today. While I took communion this morning, I prayed for you by name. Even though we've never met, I want you to know that you're on my mind and in my heart. I hope you have a wonderful vacation!

Preppy Mama said...

Kelly, this is such a beautiful post. As a mother I cannot imagine my life without my child, nor would I want to. You are so gentle and kind. As I read your posts I am reminded that my son is the best and biggest blessing to me. I try to savor each and every moment, but sometimes life gets so busy. You are going to be an amazing mom. I pray for you. I only know you through your words, but you have touched my heart. The world needs more people like you, your mother's day will come and I will be here to read about it.

pengelly love said...

I am so excited that Hawaii is in a few days! I was thinking of you as I planned EG's Lemonade Luau...have a great time! Can't wait to see all the cute pics of you and your trip when you get back.
Love, Melody

Stephanie (Ocean Mommy) said...


First of all have a wonderful vacation! I've prayed just now that God will give you incredible weather and safe travel...and that He would continue to draw you closer together.

I have walked this road and my heart had that same ache and longing. Praying that God will continue to complete the work He has begun in you. Your transparency through this journey is such a blessing to others.

Anticipating Him,

pinkpolkadotaa said...

Wow, this is a very touching post. Thank you for sharing.

Heather said...

You WILL be an amazing mother; I just know it. I am praying for you continually, and I will not stop until you become a mother. It will happen, Kelly, it will!!! I love you, sister!!

The Garners said...

I will be saying an extra prayer for you on Mother's Day. I hope you are filled with peace as you enjoy the time with S and the beauty of the beach. I read this post this afternoon and prayed for you specifically as I drove out to a friend's house to drop something off. I also thought of you again tonight as I read the story of Ruth to R at bedtime. At the end of the story was the verse, "May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge." Ruth 2:12 I PRAY THAT YOU WILL BE RICHLY REWARDED THIS YEAR WITH A BEAUTIFUL BABY (BABIES). Love you--have a WONDERFUL trip!!!!!!!!

RachelM said...

Thank you so much for being so open! I too think that you are an inspiration for so many women, both with children and without. I know you are going to have a wonderful vacation!

Deidre said...

Kelly, You will be a wonderful mother!

I remember so well sitting through church services on Mother's Day wanting so much for the floor to open up and swallow me whole. My heart would break! (It never occurred to me to stay home - I should have!). I'm so glad you will be in Hawaii on that day. I know it will still be painful, but maybe a little less since it's not magnified in front of the church.

I am praying for you - for God's peace, for His blessing on your life and for REST - trying to conceive is so exhausting spiritually and mentally. What a perfect time for a vacation!

Flo said...

I hope you get to use your upcoming vacation as a place to rejuvenate your soul...going through the same thing (kind of)...I know how our brain works - OVERTIME. A vacation is just the kind of thing your body could be needing right now! Enjoy the peace/solitude/and blessings of a wonderful marriage to your hubby!

Allikaye's Mama said...

I will be praying for you! I haven't stopped since we became "bloggy friends!"

Anonymous said...

You have so much more grace than I do, Kelly. I remember all those terrible Mother's Day Sundays that I pouted through Church or the especially horrible one where Lance's parents were on furlough and his brother and sister-in-law were in town with their new baby and everyone was going out for a special Mother's Day brunch and I decided I was sick. I don't think anyone believed me, of course. But I didn't care...I just wanted to curl up in bed and be in a bad mood.
We have a new pastor at IBC who announced something this morning that has endeared him to me. At the end of the service today he said something about next week being Mother's Day and what a special day it is but that it is also a painful day for so many people for various reasons...because some people have lost their mothers and because some people do not have good relationships with their mothers, but most of all because there are so many families (and I appreciated that he used this word because it seems like no one thinks you are a family until you have a child) that are trying so hard to have children and cannot. So he said that this week we are going to have a special prayer service just for those families and he invited anyone that knows of such a family to either let the Church know or to come and pray for them. And this is the best part...he said "And we are going to pray God's miracle in their lives." Because of course that's what all children are. And because of course that's what God can do for us all no matter what it is we are praying for. And as I am writing this right now, I am crying because I know that is what God is going to provide for you. BUT ONLY IN HIS TIME. Of course. Because that's what he did for me. With Lowrey through lots of prayer and anguish. And with Annie through an oops and a surprise. Praise the Lord!
I, too, am so glad you'll be on a beach next week instead of watching other mothers stand up in Church. When I stand up next week...or whatever we do this year (something tells me it might be something different with this pastor), I'll be doing it for you, too, because you're already a mother in your heart. We're just waiting to see what that baby looks like when God gets ready to send it!
Love you much!

Honea Household said...

Kelly - I know that I take for granted the priviledge and blessing it is to be a mother to two beautiful healthy children. My heart aches for you and so many others whose hearts ache for a child. And we must remember the mothers who have lost children as mother's day will be difficult for them. Visit my blog for more details.

Brittani's Holding Little Hands said...

My sister's infertility has completely changed her as a mom. I often marvel at how much she cherishes even the most difficult of stages. It is a beatiful thing.

This was wonderfully written. You are so precious, Kelly. What a gift you will be to your child! Believing in faith that He will give you your miracle! I'm already praising Him for it.

Lauren said...

Kelly, I am so thankful that you and Scott are going to be on vacation next week. I am praying for you and your family. I know that God has a plan for you and you are going to be a wonderful mom. It breaks my heart to read about your struggle to have a child. I do believe that dealing with infertility helps you to truly appreciate the miracle that a child is. I am praying for you every day.

Anonymous said...

WOW! I couldn't have said it better. We struggled with infertility, invested with fertility, quit and said that God would not have placed such a desire in our hearts, if He wasn't going to fulfill that desire somehow, someway, and in HIS time. He did just that--three times, three years in a row! I puked daily and sometimes 3x a day but thanked God, my hips spread and I still thanked Him, I had many sleepless nights and remember singing praises while nursing in the middle of the night. You too will so appreciate the blessing even more because it didn't come easy.

Amanda said...

You can count on my continued prayers - especially next weekend. I am so happy that y'all with be in beautiful Hawaii on Mother's Day. You WILL be a good mother - no doubt about it.

Heather said...

Beautiful post..I think of you daily and know that this time away with your hubby is just what you both need. Have so much fun. Can't wait to see pics!!

pinkmommy said...

I am still praying for you, and I won't stop. I will especially pray Sunday, because I know even though you will be in beautiful paradise your heart will still be hurting more than usual on Mother's Day.

Julia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

hi great and great everybody.i extermely accept you whole friends from the south asia.
see you!

Brandon & April said...

You'll be a FABULOUS mom!! I have been praying for a baby to be added to your family. This week I'll pray especially for the emotions Mother's Day will bring! I hope you have an AWESOME time in Hawaii! Can't wait to hear ALL about it!

Megan L Hutchings said...

What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing your emotions and that poem with us! I know that you will be a wonderful mother!!!!!! Perhaps your trip to Hawaii will be just what you more ways than one.

MMM said...

Have a wonderful is well deserved. I'll be praying for you this Mother's Day that you'll have a sweet baby in your arms a year from now.

Jenny said...

You will be a wonderful mother.

You continue to be in my prayers. God's timing is perfect.

Have a wonderful vacation!

Mary Kate said...

Thanks Kelly! That poem really touched me. I didn't realize where my sister had gotten it until after I posted it! Your strength inspires me! Stay strong in your IF journey. I know how difficult it is, but God will see you through!

'The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you.'

Have fun on your Hawaii trip...I am so jealous!! I will say a sweet prayer for you on Mother's Day!

Lindsey said...

I am so thankful that Sunday you will be on a tropical beach basking in the sun. You deserve a break. Enjoy it. Have a fabulous time with your husband. Take lots of pictures (I know you will)! Document all that yummy food.

And know that you are lifted in prayer. You WILL be a wonderful mother!

Tamara said...


This post is powerful. I remember sitting in Sunday School and Worship last year on Mother's Day with tears streaming down my face. A sweet girl in my class prayed that morning for all the families who were longing for children, and it just broke my heart. Then I couldn't stop crying the rest of the morning.

Now God is doing a new thing in our lives. And, though I still have a little ache in my heart for the thrill of pregnancy and childbirth, and doing things "the normal way", I am content and happy to be experiencing God's perfect plan for our lives.

I will be praying for you, and for other families like yours and mine this Sunday. Enjoy your special vacation!

Julia said...

You really made me cry. Thanks Kelly. Please think of us when you're on the beach Sunday. ;)

Outnumbered 4 to 1 said...

Lord -
I lift up Kelly and the other women who struggle to conceive. I get on my knees and humbly ask you to open their wombs so that they may feel the miracle of a child growing, whether it be growing physically inside of them or deep in their hearts as you take them down the path of adoption. I do ask why you make it so easy for some and so difficult for others. But I know deep down in my heart that you have a reason. You are the amazing creator of the heavens and earth and I couldn't possibly understand your plan. But I do come to you asking you to place you comforting arms around all the women who want to be mothers, especially this coming Sunday, and help them as they hurt so deep down. Lord I thank you for the reminder that I do sometimes take my children for granted. I don't give you the glory when it comes to holding my children. I thank you for putting it deep in Kelly's heart to be so honest and open about the difficulties she is experiencing! Lord God once again I ask you to be with Kelly and the others and just let them experience your amazing love. Let them experience the amazing power of your perfect plan. Thank you for loving us and allowing us to come to you in prayer. In your precious sons name, AMEN

Kelly - Know that I will be praying for you and I will hold it deep in my heart to lift up a special prayer for women who are struggling to become mothers on Mother's Day. Enjoy your time at the beach. I hope you get the rest and relaxation you deserve.

Michele said...

Kelly - wow - interesting to read this. I just finished my own "dreaded rose" post and then started checking my blog reader. I'm on the same page with ya, my friend!

Kelly B. said...

This poem is so true!! It is really beautiful. I wanted to grumble during the sleepless nights, but I quickly remembered how I longed for those sleepless nights!! I pray for you to have your hands full very soon!

Pearls and Grace said...

Kelly Love,

How full of God's love, mercy and grace you are.
He put that desire in you to have a child and I know
that at the appointed time you will and you shall
have a child of your own. Your arms will be full
and overflowing with little ones. I do believe it.
I have lived this dream and know what the pain
of waiting feels like. He is so faithful Kelly!
I just wanted to leave you a little note to encourage you today and to share the testimony that God is no
respecter of persons. If He did it for me He will do it for you. He loves you so. Be encouraged....
You are blessed and highly favored! If you ever decide that you would like the book that I offered
to send you before, the one that I used during my "waiting time" , I would be so happy to send you a copy.
You are a beautiful soul.

Welcome to Our Lives... said...

Kelly, You are such an incredible woman and an inspiration to all Christian women! You are in my prayers, today, tomorrow, on Mother's Day and the day after... I am praying for God's will and blessing on your life, girl! Thank you for your post and for reminding ALL mother's what a gift their child is.

Jenny said...

Know that I will be praying for you daily. I have not struggled with infertility, but have experienced several miscarriages. I can understand to some degree the heartache and pain that you face. Rest in HIM Kelly. Rest in His plan and know that His timing is always perfect. I am so glad you will be in beautiful Hawaii this weekend. I will pray that you have a wonderful time!!!

Julia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie said...

I don't remember how I stumbled upon your blog, but I am so glad I did. I don't know your pain, but I will pray for you! Thanks so much for sharing, this post touched my heart today.

Jennifer said...

What a beautiful Post Kelly. Reading your blog makes me try to be a better mother and never take my kids for granted. I am praying for you and scott daily and I know that the day the two of you have a baby will be so wonderful you will make such a great mother.

Leigh Ann said...

You WILL be a wonderful mother indeed! What a lucky baby that will be to have you as a mother. Like Candy mentioned, I often think of you and it makes me appreciate my little bundles that much more.

I cannot imagine the pain Mother's Day can be. I have been through this situation with a family member and I've seen the pain up close but until it happens to you personally I don't think one can fully understand the pain. I couldn't help but think of you (and others) today while I was at Gymboree with EG and one of the mother's there (who is five months pregnant) complained about her "accident." It took all I had not to say something to her. I just couldn't believe it! I don't understand. I just thought my dear friend, Kelly, would take that accident in a heartbeat.

I just admire your faith. You are such an inspiration to me and to so many. I thank you for posting this poem and reminding us all. I want so badly for you to be a mother and I'll keep praying for you.

I'm glad you will be in your favorite place on Mother's Day. I hope you have a fantastic trip and get some serious rest and relaxation. You are one of my most favorite people EVER!

Love and hugs,
Leigh Ann

Candy said...

I thought of you this morning in Target when Ella had a major meltdown and everyone was staring at me. I stayed calm and remembered that she is a blessing. :) Once again, thank you for the reminder. :) :) :)

Robyn Beele said...

I am so thankful that you have written this. It has come at the best time. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you do the same for me.

Natasha said...

Kelly, you will be the best Mom! I was so touched by what you wrote.

Thank you so much for posting the poem. After waiting so long for my little girl, I try to spent as much time with her as I can. My house is not as neat as it could be, but I will never get back this time with her.

You are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope you have a wonderful time in Hawaii!

clif, somer, vivian & bauer said...

hi, my name is somer and i just happened across your blog. i am the mother of two small children under three...but the real reason i (a stranger) am leaving a comment on your blog is because i wanted to let you know how this post has really opened my eyes. i must admit that i, over the last five years, have had a GREAT dislike mother's day...but not for the same reason mentioned on your post. five years ago the week after mother's day, my mom died. she had been ill, (but still very active) and then she was gone. she was my best friend, my confidant, and i was lucky enough to be with her, holding her hand, until her very last breath. she wanted grandchildren more than anything, and i now KNOW that i couldn't have been the caregiver i needed to be to her, if i had been a mother, too. (funny, how hindsight really lets you know that god knows best). but, the reason i tell you this is because i have been so consumed with my own "loss" on this day...that i haven't really embraced my "gain". what a disservice to my kids! thank you...again, god knows just exactly what you need, and when you need it!! i wish you a happy blessed mother's day...and i will be praying god reveals his plan for your family...hang in there! :)

Sarah said...

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

The Day's said...

Hi! My name is Kristin Day and Ashley Honea is a dear friend of mine. I saw your link on her blog and have been stalking your blog for the last couple of weeks! This post is so beautiful, I had to come out of hiding and make myself known! I know that you don't know me at all, but I am sitting at my desk fighting back tears as I read your precious heart on paper. Although we've never met, God has placed you on my heart over the past weeks - isn't He so cool how He does that?!? I have been praying for God's peace and comfort in this time of waiting and for your sweet child(ren) that WILL come. He is always faithful and I am waiting anxiously to see how He is going to bless your socks off with beautiful babies!

Carol said...

What a beautiful blog. Well said! I remember many of the same feelings when we were trying to have a child. I would dread Mother's Day services at church and usually left early with many tears. You will be in my prayers...I know the struggle of wanting a child. It's not just a passing phase or thought, but a day to day struggle and hurt that comsumes you. We were married 17 years the month that our first and only child was born. He's turning 3 this summer and the joy of our lives. Just hold on...your turn's coming and I have no doubt you'll enjoy every little memory as I do.

The Skogens said...

Dear Kelly,

I've been there hun, I started trying a year after we where married and had my daughter right after our 6 year anniversary. I know that you hear it all the time, I used to hate to hear it will happen. But hun, to me you are a mother, whether it is just being an Aunt, Godmother, or friend. I know that I am a better mother today then I would have been if God had answered yes when I first asked, instead of wait I have the perfect one for you. I had actually givin up and started looking into adoption, something that even though we have 2 now I still want to do. Hold that love in your heart because you will have a child to give it to, I'll pray for you.

twin6045 said...

What I thought was going to take 9 months took me over 8 YEARS!! I have a 12 year old son. Keep the faith. I do admire your strength and what sweetness you have. :o)

~Bekah said...

Ok, so i'm new to your blog and i'm playing 'catch up' so when i read this my heart sank and my jaw dropped b/c THIS IS ME! i beg, pray and plead w/ God all day long to bless us with a child. i am adding your poem to my blog. Thank you for your wonderful message and testimony! hopefully i'll be a mother soon like you will be!

April said...

I just found your blog recently through someone I know's facebook account. I wanted to let you know that your story gives me so much encouragment! My husband and I have been trying for a long time now and have had 2 miscarriages; both conceived with IUI. We have had 6 IUI's total that have failed. I am so beyond discouraged and we just this month are taking a break from it all! It gives me so much hope that I too can get through this and see the other side and am hoping the Lord decides to do His miracle without medical intervention soon! I dont know if you wrote this or someone else but would love to send this to some girls I know who are in my situation!
Thanks again for the hope and encouragment!

PS. I too have a "secret" stash of stuff that I cant wait to take out someday!