If you follow me on twitter than you probably saw me talking about what I'm about to talk about today. (And on a sidenote - if you follow me on twitter - I'm kind of an obnoxious tweeter but I honestly feel like it's my lifeline some days. I'm not a big fan of facebook (I'm also pretty private with FB so if you try to add me - don't feel bad but I only add people I know in real life) but twitter makes me feel like I'm having adult conversation throughout the day and I can just quickly check my phone and it keeps me sane.)
Okay - anyway....................I don't know if it's the heat. I don't know if I'm suffering from postpartum depression 15 months late or if this is just normal - but lately I just feel like such a mom failure.
I want to push pause right here and say I hope more than anything this post doesn't come off as complaining because that is NOT what this is. I KNOW I am Blessed beyond measure. I know that I am very very lucky to have two beautiful girls and stay home with them. But I also feel like I don't want to be what I'm about to talk about. I don't want to be that girl who tries to pretend I'm perfect and my life is the cover of a magazine. I want to be honest and real. I'm not encouraged by moms who act like their children are angels and geniuses 24/7 and that their homes are like out of an episode of "Leave it to Beaver". I'm encouraged by moms who let me know I'm not crazy or alone.
Okay.........now that Hollis is mobile and Harper no longer naps - I feel like I spend all day refereeing and keeping our house from looking like a war zone. It's impossible for me to get anything done during the day. The only time I can do anything is at breakfast or lunch when I have them eating and I can move like the wind and get the kitchen cleaned or dishes put away or a load of laundry started. And somehow shove some food in my mouth. The only way I can get a shower or dressed is to set my alarm for 5:45 and try to beat them up. Once they are up - I'm toast. And then at night once they are in bed - I have a list a mile long that I need to do before I go to bed but most nights I'm just so tired. I just want to lay on the couch and watch mindless TV.
So because I rarely get anything done - I just feel like my house is out of control. I feel like my life is out of control. And this isn't because I'm at VBS this week. Actually when we are out of the house doing things - I feel more together. It's when we stay home all day that I really feel overwhelmed.
I just feel like other moms have 2 or even 6 children and they manage to workout every day and sew clothes and curtains for their home and cook gourmet meals (even hot lunches and I'm proud of a PB&J and some fruit) and homeschool their children and write books and blog and have a job and throw amazing parties and make awesome crafts and do community service and grow organic gardens and that they are kind and patient with their children at all times and always speak with a soft voice.
While I feel like I'm barely afloat most days. Today I went to pull out laundry and turned my back for less than 2 minutes and Hollis managed to climb our couch and then fall off the couch and get a big goose egg. Great.
And I'm not blaming social media or blogs although that is apart of it. I think it's just more in my head. I picture all my friends at home and I imagine them being perfect moms and I always think they would just be appalled if they knew I gave my kids bagel bites for dinner or that my closet is a total disaster or that our laundry is piled up all over the house. I think so much of it is being Type A but no matter how I try - I can't be this laidback "no worries" girl.
THE LAST THING I WANT is for anyone to leave me a comment on this post saying "oh you are a great mom". Or "oh you have it all together". I don't. I'm a HOT MESS. I love my children with ALL my heart. I know it's just a season. I know that in a few years they won't be both hanging on my leg yelling "momma" 4000 times in a row and screaming and crying every other second. I know that life will get easier. I know I will miss these baby years. I guess if just one mom is out there feeling like I am today..................I want you to know that at least one other mom is not perfect and understands.
But based on the response I got on twitter...............I may not be as crazy as I was worried I am. :-)